


Always here for you

by SeiyaRei



Series: Rare love - Corpse/Toast [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Porn with Feelings, SoftDom!Toast, like a lot of feelings, this was supposed to be pwp and then i found myself in the middle of soft fluff again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:21:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28984050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiyaRei/pseuds/SeiyaRei
Summary: Corpse was having a panic attack. Toast found him and helped him to calm down.ˋ°•*⁀➷     ˋ°•*⁀➷      ˋ°•*⁀➷"Good. Try to focus on me now." Corpse watched Toast slowly getting even closer, making sure Corpse could see what he was doing, so it didn't surprise him. He sat on Corpse's lap astride, still letting most of his body weight on his own legs. Corpse instinctively raised his hands, placing them on Toast's back, pressing their chests together.
Relationships: Corpse Husband & Jeremy Wang, Corpse Husband/Jeremy Wang
Series: Rare love - Corpse/Toast [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2126067
Comments: 12
Kudos: 63





	Always here for you

**Author's Note:**

> /Described panic attack, self-harm is only referenced (mention of scars).
> 
> Hi. So I know this is not my usual style but I will be glad if you give this pairing a chance. I spend most of the chapter in weird character study, but I really like how it comes out and I will be glad if someone will read it even if it's not Corpsekkuno. Also it's not betaread, sorry for mistakes, I tried!
> 
> \- Don't spread it outside this platform, especially with mentioned creators. Enjoy!

It was supposed to be a normal morning. But since nothing in his life was normal, he couldn't even say he was surprised it wasn't again. 

Corpse was doing some light editing, because he couldn't sleep again, however he was too tired to do something more difficult. So he spent the last few hours thinking about his life while he occasionally clicked on something on the screen. Corpse knew he shouldn't overthink stuff too much, but it was impossible to completely ignore his thoughts.

He didn't understand it. Everything was great the last few weeks. His last song was the most successful release so far and he got an offer to collaborate with Billie Elish because of it. His streams were also doing great, both because of his supportive friends and fanbase. And the most important part, he had a boyfriend now. Loving, beautiful and kind boyfriend. 

He was supposed to be happy and still, he was shaking, sitting in his chair unable to even stand up. It was too good to be true. Surely something had to go wrong. In any moment someone will cancel him on twitter, or call him to let him know his music collaboration is not happening. His fans will forget about him eventually, that was certain, the internet forgets about people all the time. Corpse couldn't provide enough content in this hectic time with his illness. He couldn't manage to do anything for days sometimes, only being a burden. That was the only thing he did right.

When he started hyperventilating it was already too late. Panic attack hit him hard because Corpse didn't realize it was coming. He barely noticed his body sliding from the chair on the floor, too lost in image of him with nothing again. It had to be about to happen. He will lose his 'fame' soon and his friends will have no reason to talk to him. Everyone will forget about him and he wouldn't be able to live normally again, or even pay his medical bills. And Toast…

Toast shouldn't be with him at the first place. Corpse wasn't good person to be in relationship with now and he tried to resist for so long time because of it. But if… no, when things will go wrong again Toast will be affected too. Corpse wasn't sure how exactly, because he was stupid idiot who hope Toast wouldn't leave him even in that situation. But that was even worse because he would become an even bigger burden than he is now. He didn't want to ruin his life, yet he was doing it every day. He was so selfish when he allowed himself to be with him. He should be alone so he wouldn't be able to drag down anyone with him…

"Corpse." Soft small hand on his cheek, wiping salty water off. When exactly did he start crying? 

"Corpse, do you hear me? Are you here?" He blinked a few times, trying to focus his eyes on Toast. He knelt in front of him, whispering so he didn't scare Corpse with his sudden presence as always when he found him like this. Corpse didn't deserve this. Him.

"Yes." Corpse finally managed to answer after a few failed attempts, because he was breathing really fast and wasn't exactly capable of speaking. He closed his eyes, trying to pull away from Toast. He shouldn't see him like that, he will be only more worried and Corpse was sure he was supposed to be sleeping. 

Toast apparently had a different opinion about what he should and shouldn't do now, because he leaned closer to him again. Corpse felt his warm breath much calmer than his own on his cheeks. Then the touch of Toast's hand became more firm, forcing him to raise his head. Corpse opened his eyes again, seeing Toast's worried face more clearly now, because how close to him he was now.

"Good. Try to focus on me now." Corpse watched Toast slowly getting even closer, making sure Corpse could see what he was doing, so it didn't surprise him. He sat on Corpse's lap astride, still letting most of his body weight on his own legs. Corpse instinctively raised his hands placing them on Toast's back, pressing their chests together. 

That was the only thing that really helped him - physical touch, a lot of it. It was such a relief when he finally found out, because normally recommended methods of calming down never help him. Of course it was Toast who helped him discover it. They were not together then, just friends, when Corpse couldn't manage to dodge a panic attack for the first time, when he was visiting Toast.

Toast tried to talk to him as everyone who ever saw him in that state, but it took him only two minutes to realize it's not going anywhere. Instead of it to Corpse's surprise he pulled him in a tight hug, just like he was doing now. 

He placed one of his hands between Corpse's shoulder blades, tracing his spine up and down in slow motion. His other hand belonged to black curls, pressing Corpse's head gently to Toast shoulder where it can rest, while Toast began to stroke his hair. 

“Breathe with me.” Toast gently grabbed one of Corpse's hands, moving it to his chest so Corpse could feel how it was lifting. Corpse nodded, pulling Toast even closer to feel his body against him as much as possible. He felt safe like that, held by a man he trusted with his life. Everything was alright now, he needed to focus on that fact. There was nobody else, nobody was judging him. Just him and Toast. 

Inhale. Fingers in his hair, gently playing with them, sometimes moving to brush his cheek. Exhale. Light kisses on his forehead, rhythm of placing them matching Toast's chest moving. Inhale. Little soothing circles Toast was making on Corpse's back. Exhale. Nice weight on his lap, heat warming his aching body.

“You are doing so good, it's almost over, Corpse. Look at me.” Corpse lifted his head to look directly at Toast's eyes. Toast lean closer, pressing their foreheads together, cupping Corpse's cheek to hold him in that position. Corpse wasn't planning to leave it anyway, he stayed like that. He was focused on the feeling of Toast's breath on his lips and heartbeat which he could feel under his hand placed on Toast's chest. There were nothing but them for that moment. Corpse never felt so close to someone and he didn't mean only physical contact now.

He was breathing normally again, but none of them seemed like they wanted to break the atmosphere of this moment. Corpse stayed like that, just moved his head a little so he could brush his nose against Toast's. His partner gave him the same eskimo kiss back and then pressed his lips on Corpse's cheek, pulling away just a bit to see Corpse's face.

“Wanna talk about it?” Corpse shook his head, not now. He knew Toast could find answers at all of his questions and comfort him like no one else, but he didn't want to talk right now. Everything he needed he already had. Toast looking at him with so much love, caring only about him and what to do to make him feel better…Corpse never expected anyone to look at him like that. He was sure if anyone would eventually get as close as was Toast now, everyone would get tired of him and his problems. But Toast never showed him anything else but care and tenderness. Every day, every moment, not just when things went bad. They could be happily cuddling on the couch and Toast always looked at him in the same way. 

“Come to bed with me, we will catch cold staying on the floor like that.” Tast gave him a kiss on forehead before he stood up, offering his hand to also help Corpse if he needed it. Corpse didn't accept it this time, not wanting to look like he couldn't do anything on his own. But he was glad he always had the possibility, even though Toast often did not offer him help verbally, to not make him feel bad how much he sometimes needed it. Corpse just couldnt understand how he managed so perfectly to balance his concern for him, but also dont make him feel like incompetent burden.

They moved into the bedroom, Toast going first holding Corpse's hand in his. Corpse hesitated, not knowing if he wanted to undress, since he was definitely not going to sleep right after the panic attack. Toast was in sweatpants and tshirt as always at night, but Corpse was usually sleeping in his boxers. He felt too hot when he accidentally fell asleep in his clothes, he produced too much body heat.

Corpse ended up putting his jeans away with all his jewelry, to be comfortable, but leaving his shirt on. He didn't want to talk, but he knew Toast would understand this means no sleeping for now. 

Toast was patiently waiting for him, sitting on top of their big shared blanket. They tried to have separated ones, but since neither of them could sleep without cuddling each other, it was just harder to cover both of them and not let any heat escape with two. But he wasn't sure if cuddling under blankets is what he wanted to do now. Corpse wasn't sure about anything right now, but at least he knew Toast will help him figure it out.

“Come here.” Toast smiled at him, reaching for him with his hands. Corpse made an attempt to smile at him back, which was not really successful, but Toast would appreciate it anyway, as always when he was trying. He sat between Toast's legs and leaned his back against Toast's chest. His hands were immediately captured in smaller ones, still providing so much comfort even they couldn't cover them fully. Corpse closed his eyes, tilted his head back a little with a sigh of relief. This felt right. If someone would say to him an year ago he would experience feeling like this he would laugh at them. He never expected to feel so safe in the arms of another man, so sure whatever he would do, Corpse would find it enjoyable.

“If you say so.” Toast was smiling against his neck, pressing a light kiss here. Did he say it out loud before? Well it doesn't matter, he should say these things to Toast more often. He wasn't the best partner when it comes to telling how much Toast means to him. Corpse felt like he should be more grateful and in general do more for him, not just take and not give anything back.

“You are thinking again.” Toast whispered softly, no sign of anger in his voice. “We should change that.” Corpse's breath hitched with the ideas that came to his mind when Toast said that and he liked every single of them. He didn't say anything, just moved his head a little away, to expose his neck more to Toast as silent permission. Shower of soft, tender kisses landed on his jawline, continuing down to the collarbone where Toast stopped and licked it.

Corpse let out a deep breath, squeezing one of Toast's hands, moving it from his lap higher to his chest. Toast returned his grip for a few seconds before he let go his hand, only to grab the edge of Corpse's t-shirt and roll it up a little. Corpse shivered when the cold palm touched his belly, undecided if he should push himself back against Toast's body or front to get more touching from his hands. Toast was too gentle as always, making sure if they are on the same wave. Corpse wasn't complaining at all, he just knew how impatient he was. 

He felt another lick on his neck, this time making a wet path back up ending right under his ear where Toast stopped and gently bited skin here. In the meantime his hand under Corpse's shirt moved up too, stroking his chest at first in long smooth movements, then focusing on one place with more intensity. Corpse opened his mouth, letting his shaky breath to be heard, not holding back at all. That was the only thing Toast ever wanted from him, act genuine and don't hold himself back ever, even if it's because he dont like something. He needed Corpse's reaction to be always clear to know if he liked what he was doing. Corpse wasn't sure if it was possible to don't like something, but he gladly agreed, understanding why it was so important for Toast. At the beginning of their relationship he was shy, of course, but they soon figured out there is no need for that and were completely open to each other.

“Toast.” He almost whined when his partner captured his earlobe with his lips. He was already really horny and they didn't even start properly, how was he supposed to survive this teasing?

“Yes, baby?” Toast whispered right into Corpse's ear which made his cheek flush with crimson red. Corpse was usually the one calling others like this, but hearing it from Toast, in this position, in this  _ tone…  _ He was glad he was sitting, because otherwise his knees would definitely go too weak to support his body.

Second hand who was to this moment resting in Corpse's lap moved down on his thigh, ignoring the bulge in his boxers. Instead of it Toast stoked the inner side of his thigh, drawing invisible lines with his fingers on places where he knew there were scars. None of them was fresh, thankfully, but the white lines were still visible and probably will be forever. Corpse remembered the first time he had enough courage to take off his pants while making out with Toast. He was sure Toast wouldn't laugh at him, but he could only hope he would also not take pity on him. Corpse definitely didn't expect him to kneel in front of him and place a kiss on every single scar. That was the day he admitted how much in love he was with this man.

“Corpse?” He was probably lost in his thoughts for too long time again, because Toast sounded a little worried. Corpse opened his eyes to look at his partner, who wasn't moving at all, waiting for him to return to reality. And Corpse was once again admiring his infinite patience with anything Corpse did, never making him feel like he is bothering him.

“What are you thinking about? We don't have to do anything, you know it.” 

  
  
  


_ What are you supposed to do when an angel finds you, a broken human with so many problems and mistakes, and said he will be there for you? What is the correct answer to the question if you are okay when you are better than ever and that's the reason you want to cry so much? How do you manage to not drag him down with you to your broken word of depression?  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ What did you do when you said all of this to him and the only thing you get as a response is a smile and assurance he is not ever leaving you. _

_ How do you deserve him? _

  
  
  


Fingers wiping his tears again.

“I am okay, I am just…” Corpse was trying so hard to form his feelings into words to tell Toast it is not how it looks like. He needed to tell him he did nothing wrong, in fact exactly opposite. But this was something he wasn't able to verbalize, not now. So he decided for another way to express how he was feeling, the one more natural for him. He turned his body around to face him, taking Toast's hands in his own and kissing him, Corpse wasn't sure how but he tried to put all his feelings into that kiss. His appreciation and love, so big he was sure he would never experience something else that intense.

“I want to make love with you.” They didn't need verbalized consent anymore, usually both of them knew if the other one wanted to do something just by looking, but today was different. Corpse thought it was necessary to say it out loud, to assure Toast everything was alright. It was just too perfect. Too good to happen to someone like Corpse. But it was happening, Toast was right there in front of him, kissing him back with the same passion.

Corpse brought one of Toast's hands to his face, pressing it against his cheek, wet from tears, to let him know he was aware of them. He hoped Toast would understand he was crying for different reasons now, not needing comfort anymore, because it was happy tears this time. 

It was successful, soon he felt Toast take the lead of the kiss, leaning against him to press their bodies together with newfound confidence. As was Toast gently pushing him to make him lay on his back under him, Corpse's mind finally calmed down, all thoughts disappearing and letting only soft feeling of safety stay. He closed his eyes again, letting his hands fall to his sides, vulnerable, waiting.

Light weight on his belly, two legs pressed at his hips to let him know where exactly Toast was, to not leave him in doubt. It was these small gestures that made him to be able to just lay here completely relaxed, knowing with his whole soul there is nothing to be afraid of. He didn't even flinch this time when two soft kisses were placed on his closed eyes, erasing a few tears laying on his lashes. Toast continued down, touching every possible place of his facem loving every inch of his skin, before he finally kissed him on lips again, slowly discovering the taste of Corpse's mouth with his tongue again. Corpse could stay like this being only kissed for hours without complaint, but Toast had other plans for tonight.

Toast broke their kiss, stroke Corpse's cheek in calming slow motion, before he shifted his body down, so he could continue placing kisses on his neck and chest. Which obviously meant his butt was pressed against Corpse's hard member, causing him to make small needy sounds everytime Toast changed position even a little bit.

When Toast was done with kissing and began to gently bite skin on his collarbone, not to leave marks, only to bring him pleasure from that small amount of pain, Corpse let out first real moan. He knew his role here was only to enjoy attention not doing anything at all but he was never able to do so. Luckily Toast was never mad at him, never complained about anything he did even when Toast had other plans with him. So he was feeling comfortable to blindly reach for Toast's shirt, undressing him impatiently so he could touch his naked torso.

Toast let him and Corpse didn't need to open his eyes to know he was smiling while he was doing it. He let the man under him explore with his hands whenever he wanted and bended back down to continue worshiping every inch of his body with his mouth. Toast spent several minutes just on his neck before he moved even lower, practically sitting on Corpse's erection now, and licked his right nipple.

Corpse was now shaking a little, lost in all intense perceptions, not only physical. He was probably mumbling something without realizing it, because after maybe half an hour of Toast just using his mouth to bring him pleasure, he finally moved between his legs. Corpse's breath hitched in excitement, grabbing sheets under him to make his hands busy. He didn't want to touch himself now, he needed Toast to do that. Corpse also knew if he said one word Toast will do it for him immediately, he didn't even need to beg. He never needed to beg in this relationship. However he enjoyed it more when Toast was the one who decided what will happen next, in control of the whole situation. The knowledge Toast will take care of him even without Corpse explicitly saying it was just different, better.

Small hands slowly helped him to get rid of his boxers, leaving him exposed under Toast's gaze. And for the first time today Corpse didn't feel even for a second urge to open his eyes in this part, just to make sure Toast is still looking at him with the same loving expression as always. Today he simply believed it. Maybe some of this sudden certainty appeared on his face because Toast once again stopped and went back to kiss him, tenderly, sweetly.

And then Toast finally, finally he bent down to capture him in his mouth, tasting him. First only his head, doing small circles with his tongue around it, taking his time. Corpse heard himself moaning the name of his lover, clenching his fist to not move, afraid Toast could choke on him. Fortunately Toast wasnt doing this to torture him and deny him what both of them wanted. He started moving his head in slow long motions, holding him with one hand on his base, the second one resting on Corpse's thigh, sometimes stroking his pale skin in small caring gestures.

Corpse carefully placed one of his palms in his partner's hair, not to set the pace, he just wanted to touch him at least little. That was probably the last comprehensive idea his mind was able to produce, before he felt Toast starting to sucking him and get completely lost in that feeling. His wet, warm mouth, quick tongue and hands were the only things that he could focus on, moving his hips in the same rhythm as Toast was moving his head in need to finally reach his release.

He came shortly after, mewling Toast's name in between deep breaths, spilling himself inside Toast's mouth who was swallowing all of it without hesitation. He had a hard time remembering how to function a few seconds after, out of his mind not focused on what was happening at all. That changed when he felt another body laying next to him, slim arms pulling him into a tight hug. Corpse exhaled, a familiar feeling of safety coming back again with the body pressed against his own. He opened his eyes, meeting Toast's loving gaze, a smile on his face. Corpse touched his cheek, brushing his thumb against his temple. He still didn't get used to the fact this was real. Their relationship. Him. Here. But maybe he didn't need to be used to it, he just had to believe it and live for every moment of it. For him.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't beg for comments, although they are always appreciated, but if you liked this I will be really glad if you will leave a few words so I know someone is reading it. Thank you <3


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